My Dirty Little Secrets Diffuse Here! (yeah, right here exactly!)

Unfortunately, I lost the passwords of my wordpress and tumblr accounts in my mind so I created a new one. So, this is it. :) I'm really having a hard time remembering those important stuffs. haha. They were always taken for granted because I just let my computer remember them. Well, let me get started. :D

P.S.: This is only our DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS. ok :) Keep your MOUTH SHUT but keep your MIND OPEN :)

-kdm

Displacement

I felt invicible. I felt like when i disappear in my class, no one would noticed it. I was very pissed off this day.

Napakalungkot ko , hindi ko alam siguro dahil sa mag-isa lang ako at walang kasama. Pero ganian ang buhay, tuturuan ka talagang maging independent, suungin lahat ng mag-isa.

Dahil dyan ay gumamit ako ng displacement.

Tinext ko sya at tinext nia rin ako. Hindi ko alam kung “may something” ba ito pero may kung anong  pagkislot ng mga nerves ko. Another level na kame ngayon, pinarinig niya saken, pinakinggan ko, gumanti ako tas pinatay niya kase iritable ako, tas ako naman  ngayon kase bigla niang tinapos. Kala ko dalawa pa rin kame nun pala ee mag isa ko na lang. Haha. Pero ayun, naenjoy ko naman, nakakaalis ng bugnot at panlinlang sa utak kong litang. Gusto ko na rin ung tawa nameng dalawa, hagalpak na hindi mo mawari kung saan nanggaling. Haha. ano na ba ito? Gulo nanaman ba? Libog na naman ba? Hindi ko alam. Shit!!!

-kdm

PI naman oh!

Pu**** ***! alam mo un. gusto ko ng kasama. wala akong makasama. hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. san ko ibubuhos lahat ng oras ko.. hindi ko alam kung san ako susumpong. oo. alam ko priority ko ang mag aral. kaya lang kahit na yun hindi sapat kailangan ko pa rin ng kasama. no man is an island. tangina. ilang beses ko ng naicpang maglaslas o ano. wala naman din kase kong maraming kaibigan. narealize ko lang. ano ba dapat kong gawin. paramihin. maghanap? auq ng mga kaibigan ko dati. judgmental masiado. choosy pa ko. hay. kailangan ko ng makakasama. wala pa rin talagang pumapalit kay ronniel. hay. 

-kdm

HATE you NOW..

I still don’t know up to now what I really have for him. Before, when i deleted all of his damned bullshits messages he sent to me, I was just pretty fine. I already forgot about those. Days passed and I'm still alone, no one to be with. Until, I got back here in CLSU and nothing changed, alone. The emotional baggage that I carry got heavier when my close friends moved to a new boarding house, away from me. I was so fucking bored all the time that I don't have anything to do on my bed, I would just watch movies or read or try different looks with my make-up. Well, I should look at the brighter side that i have enough and excessive time for myself. I wanted to repeat those words to myself. I should be used to being alone by now because when I get to work after I graduate, I'm still alone living by myself. It is so ironic right? We work for a living for our family-- to make them happy-- but we can't be with them and how will it be happy if we're not living together? If we're providing service our services to others and not them? We wanted to give them the best but the only thing to accomplish that is to leave them.

Well, lets get back to the thing that I'm saying. I was disturbed by him all the time. And I came to the point that i wanted to ask for advice to the most asshole person that I had in my entire life. I would have thrown my pride and confessed to him everything happened to me. But I just tried and FORTUNATELY, he didn’t reply back. So i have to deal with the ghost of the past all by myself. I displaced my time to things that interest me and my priorities so I wouldn't have the chance to think of him. Everytime I was alone, he used to chase me, everywhere i went, he was always there with me. He was not leaving me until now, and those thoughts made me crave for him for real.

Until today, June 19, 2014, I had the chance to meet ate av again. And showed me their convo,  I was still affected by those fvcking heartbreaking words from him. I was still burning with rage and reversed my feeling for him. I hated him now, and even more than ever,. I knew that everything was all my fault but i don’t think that I could stand still to be with someone who told and thought of you those things, even if some of those are true.

I realized maybe that I really didn’t want him back I just missed being with someone who doesn't leave me. I should not regret anything! Go on and live my life like nothing happened. 

-kdm

Father's love is in a harsh way

Pare-parehas ang mababasa sa news feed na "thank you. u r d best tatay.blah.blah.blah".

Lahat naman ng tatay ee "best in their own ways".

I've learned in one of my litt. class that "Father's love is in a harsh way." 

I've been inspired by the kind of love that they give; so from then I gave the same way of love to my special ones. It shows the other way around but when you analyze and look closer, you'll be surprise how much they give almost their life to you in order to provide you the things YOU NEED and YOU WANT!

Let's turn those words into action of expression how much we truly appreaciate and love them. Not just by posting such cliches because it's trending. I'm not against it or bitter about that, I just want to make it more valuable, meaningful and rooting from the heart. Because we don't know when will it be too late for us to make them feel it.

-kdm

Anti-climax

A part of me that i always tend to hang up or hold too long or keep myself from something or someone that i like too much obsessively. i don't want to reach the climax part when that craving is already within my reach. i really don't want. once i reach the climax, of course, it's matic that we'll eventually comes to the falling of action and advances to the equilibrium state of things. There won't be a heart thumping thing anymore. I want my heart to run fast as if it will jump out of my flesh because of the force and pressure. 

-kdm

Masakit na kasi talaga.

"Ang pinakamasakit ay yung sobrang sakit na pero wala kang karapatang masaktan."

Ang sakit sakit na! ang bigat bigat na! pero hindi pa rin. wala ka pa rin akong right at privilege na masaktan. Kumbaga sa anak, anak sa labas, sa asawa, kabit,  sa ari-arian, walang papel/lisensya o hindi nakarehistro. Illegitimate o illegal, hindi inohonor sa korte at hindi kinikilala.

Wala akong karapatan na masaktan kase ako ang naggago. Oo. Aminado ko na nagfling ako pero alam ko limits ko. Bored ako. Yung mga lalaki ngang nagloloko sinasabi nila ee “ayos lang, lalake ko ee, ganito talaga ang lalaki. innate na. hindi na maaalis. normal at kasama na sa amen yan”. Pero bakit pag ang babae “malandi, bayaran, puta, makati!”. Ang hard di ba! Ang sakit sakit mapagsabihan ng ganun. Iniintindi ko na lang kase dala na rin ng sobrang galit niya, alangan namang sumabay pa ko at mag-inarte. Nawalan na rin siya ng respeto sa aken, mababa na ang tingin niya. Kala niya pinapakamot ko ang kati ko sa iba, sa mga lalakeng nakita niyang naka-chat ko. Oo. mataas talaga ang sex drive ko. Lahat ng tao naman, hindi lang normal yung saken pero alam ko naman kung ano ang tama o mali at paano alagaan ang sarili ko. Oo, gusto ko pero pinipigilan ko kase iniisip ko siya. kinokontrol ko sarili ko. Pero oo alam ko mali pa rin ako kahit saang anggulo bakit ako nag-entertain. Tang-ina! sadya lang ba talagang mahina ang tolerance ko sa tukso. Lintek naman kase mga lapit ng lapit, ako tuloy ang napalayo sa kanya.

OO. Sobrang sakit na pero kailangang tanggapin lang ng tanggapin ikaw ang may kasalanan. Hindi ka man nakipagsex at nag-entertain ka lang naman ng mga lapit ng lapit ee ganito pa rin ang kalalabasan, hindi na mababago ang tingin ng mga tao  sayo.. So deserve ko lang to. Eto ang karma. Sige lang, saksakin at hampasin mo pa ko sa buong katawan ng magtanda. Hindi ako aaray (promise).

-kdm

NOTE: sinulat ko to nung MAY 26,2014 pa, nung fresh pa ang mga pangyayare. Nadala lang kame ng emosyon namen kaya nasabi namin ang mga nasabi.

8888

"Metaphor is use to describe somebody or something of a word or phrase that is not meant literally but by means of a vivid comparison expresses something about him, her, or it, e.g. saying that somebody is a snake."(Microsoft® Encarta® 2009. © 1993-2008 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.)

Lately bago pa nangyare ang katapusan, habang magkasama kame narerealize ko na iba siya talaga sa lahat ng lalaki. Kaya naisip ko ee siya na gusto kong mapangasawa. Nakatulog ako pagkakaen namen ng umagahan, ang ganda ng panaginip ko siguro andun siya. Hindi ko na matandaan basta alam kong maganda kase good mood ako pagkagising ko. SIguro tungkol sa amen yun. Tapos nangyare nga ang pinakarevelation sa buhay ko sa bahay namen. Natapos kame.

Nagtext ang 8888 na matatapos na ang c20 ko nung nakauwi na sia. Sa isip isip ko mamaya na ko mag eextend at sinesave ko nga yung mga calls ko . Tinawagan ko bestfriend ko. Saglit lang. Inaasahan ko may mga calls pa ko hanggang sa lumipas ang oras. Ginulantang ako ng text saken. . . na tapos na daw ang unli ko. shit. naooverlook ko ang mga bagay bagay na mahalaga at priority ko. Alam ko na may tendency na mawala sila pero pinabayaan ko lang. Tulad ng nangyare sa amin.I took things and HIM for granted.

-kdm

Bag

Everytime i go shopping, nanghihinayang ako sa mga bag na maganda physically at attractive pero poor quality naman pag kinilatis at sa loob ee parang yung ordinaryong nabibili lang din sa tiangge. Gustong gusto kong bilin kaya lang hindi naman worth. Parang tao, oo maganda physically, nakakaattract pero ang quality at substance  parang sa tyangge lang din-- mura pero pang short time lang ang gamit, disposable.

-kdm

Absence is the proof that i'm alive.

I miss the place along with the person I'm with. I was walking with my friends on our way to our bh, then, i felt a sudden nostalgia through the rays of the sun that traps my body. As I was heading straight of the road, I could see where he lived before, the place I used to go and surprise him at the end of the day. i miss the feeling of excitement I get, the enthusiasm to show up to him, the eagerness to witness how I triggers his senses and how I transformed everything in him. OOhhh. :'(

It's a feeling of happy and sad. I'm sad because I was not able to fill my routine before-- to light up the end of the day with him. I'm happy because I have this feeling, these memories, the nostalgia, that I was able to experience those, that I'm missing it, that I can feel the absence that makes the difference in our relationship. I really do believe that absence makes the heart grows fonder. Everytime that absence is present, I valued more, I loved more, I grew more and I felt more. It's what makes me alive I think, makes me survive. 

-kdm

Jealousy.

I dreamed of him last night and i was surprised that my dream solved a lot about my existence and my anxieties. i felt refreshed and restarted when i woke up and felt like it's a very blessed day for me.

There are women who were seducing him and he was like in a tv ads and he is doing like a sex thing with another woman, i felt jealousy captivates me. I could see in his face that he was doing great in portraying his role and act as if it's real and he's been seduced by those women. and i was like, oh, i'm breaking. damn! I don't want to see him having any sexual activity with anyone, except with d only one. Here is my obsessive compulsive behavior.. i don't want also that he's been fantasizing other girls.

My thoughts for you.

Hi. Miss kita. haha.. ang awkward. kase ang drama. haha.

it's true. yeah. haha. ive been thinking a while ago how i wished you're laying beside me and we're talking of things full of shits or just anything or even nothing at all. those things make me feel alive and revitalize. im feeling very sentimental at this moment. my gawd, haha. i just miss you badly and i heard this "a thousand mile" makes me even more to miss you. 

Love Drunk

Hi. I was very lightheaded and wobbly last night. I wanted to lay on the side of the road and sleep. But, my ego tells me that i shouldn’t. I didn’t know whats really happening in me but i think that my pride is responsible for this. I was so fucked up. Hay. I crave. Yes. But i don’t want to look like a desperate one, i still wanted someone to beg or to please me, that i'm the dominant one.

-kdm

Untold.

Silence speaks when WORDS can't.


To F & R:

I was browsing some files on my external hard drive and found this accidentally. I just miss you guys(gals) today and I will miss you more (I know, I will). *drama much. haha. oh. this is not me. haha*

We're not having quality time together that we used to have before. haha. I know, both of you felt the same way as I did -- the strange coldness (hahaha).
It looks like I'm exercising too much of being "young,wild & free", right? haha. don't worry 'bout me. (feeler.haha). 

I'll take the responsibilities of my own actions. And pass all my troubles. 
I haven't told you about my enigmas lately or even to update you, i didn't either. haha. Because those weren't worth telling and I was trying to be more of independent and 
Whatever happens, i'm still your friend and will always be. :)
i'm glad i've been your friend.


Your friend,
--kdm 

Reciprocality

Reciprocal. It only exists in numbers. But in a relationship it would never exist.

People don’t know the real me. Its really hard to move and to act like i’m not affected. The painful truth is im totally affected by their bullshits. I really don’t know what to do. Im lost now. Im weak. Damn. I don’t want to be like this. Im being fucked up. Their affecting me too much.

FRIEND. What happened to us?

I don’t know. And i know that you know why you’re acting like that to me. Shit. Fuck. Damn. I wanna end up myself or move into a place where no one knows me and start a new life there. If only it’s just simple as that but i have my family who would worry about me. :( 

-kdm

Bitch ka friend!

"Whatever you do and whatever you say, people will always have something to say."
 

Kaibigan kita kaya sinasakyan kita sa mga trip mo. Kahit hindi ako ganun nagiging ganun ako kase xempre yun ang connection naten sa isa’t-isa. Kala mo kung yun ako talaga pero hindi, yun ako pag kasama kita. Iba ko sa ibang tao kase nakadepende sa tao kung anong klase ng pakisama ang i-aapply naten

Natatandaan mo yung persona, iba tayong tao depende sa mga kaharap naten,. hindi yun kaplastikan, ibinabagay lang nagten kung paano tayo aarte.

dito na lang, pag tinuloy ko pa to kung ano pa ang masasabi ko sayo. TRAITOR! Sayang lang ako sayo!

You only think that way.

Do u think i am not affected? Do you think i'm not hurt? DO you think I'm numb? Huh??? 

I don't know how should i act... I can feel it now.. I think i love you.. But i dont know. . . 

I dreamed of you tonight. You walked down into the dark and black atmosphere just to fetch me. U were always there. But i didn't say anything, coz its just not me. 

I miss youu.. Do u know that? Huh? I'm not numb. I'm also a human. You asked me before "tao ka ba!? Ha!". Then, i was just crying inside to tame myself that i should not act vulnerable and weak.. I want to pull out the hell in me that time. I wanna burst. But my id tells me that i shouldn't. Keep calm. My ego tells me, ."You shouldn't be acting dumb, just numb!." So I just wept when you're not around. I carried those all d time with me.

The people who didn't say anything are the ones who care the most!!! (c)

You will only fully accept the person when u understand him/her despite of his/her evil-like attitude...

-kdm

Thank You Message

To F and R:

Hey... Thanks. Haha.

Oohh. . . I wasnt able to celebrate my birthday with you guys. You know, I had a birthday ***.. hahaha. Lol. I had a blast privately. haha.. Medyo selfish mode.. Well, some other time may be, the most convenient time for us.. ok.

Tapos ang mababasa niyo pa pagdating ng room "PLEASE, DON'T GREET ME, NOT NOW. I'M NOT READY. I'M TIRED.". hahaha. Shit. Demanding masiado. Anyways, gawan nio naman ako ng video!!!! haha.. yung mag eenjoy akong panoorin. :P

I super appreciate everything (srsly). .  from carrying my stuffs (laptop,books,bags, etc.) to guarding me every day.. hahaha. jk. 

i love you, both. :*

-kdm

(pag lang napadaan sila dito)

Monster talk.

*Nag-aabang ng bus.

Ako: Hoy, badeng, sa inyo ko uuwi ha.

Badeng: Wag na, sainyo ka na umuwi. Marami taung papers na gagawin. Tsaka magulo sa bahay.

Ako: Ayos lang yun. BASTA dun ako sa inyo uuwi.. Hindi ako mag-iinarte. Promise.

*Sumakay ng bus.

Ako: (tiningnan ang paligid bago umupo) ano ba naman yan, tingnan mo puro kalawang.

Badeng: Hahahahayop ka! Tingnan mo dito palng ganian ka na tapos pupunta ka pa sa amen.. Wag na wag kang pupunta dun!!!

Hahaha.. sorry. Hindi ko mapigilang lumabas. Haha.. A fish and a visitor will stink in 3 days.. haha.. wala pang 3 days lumabas na ang kulay ko.. hahaha.

* Sa jolibee ng waltermart, gapan.

Ako: (nagkwento ng revealing escapade ko.)

Badeng: (gulat na gulat with matching walling.. haha)

Ako: Ano k aba. Baka kung ano isipin mo sa ken ha. Iba ako. Ok. Dalawa pa lang naman.

Badeng: (napaisip) ee teka. Dalawa palang naman ang nakikilala mo dito sa CLSU aa paanong hindi magiging 2 palang..

Ako: hahaha. Ou. Nga nuh.. LOL. ROTF.

EXCITED: *1 new message*

I was hurt. I dunno why. This feeling. He asked why I posted in the clsu files with his name. Then, what’s wrong? Huh. Should I chased him or what. He’s going to transfer to other school and I don't know how should I feel or what. I don’t want to read that message anymore. It’s ripping my heart and my soul, thinking if I did anything wrong or should I blame myself for posting it with his name. WTF! Dunno what to do.

We texted for not that long because he doesn't want to have contact with me anymore. Hahaha,. :D

-kdm

I do also have the GUTS. Believe me.

I was inspired to write again some random thoughts occupying my mind palace (Sherlock).

I was dictated by my pride and ego that I should write great pieces like them. Yes, I was insecure. I found their effortless works a masterpiece. I do envy them. it was so sad that I was an ABLL and I have to feel this way. Their just too great.Oooh. How I wish I was like them too. But I will not be able to write if I will not try, right? Just do it. Watch me dance with my pen and paper.

-kdm