HATE you NOW..

I still don’t know up to now what I really have for him. Before, when i deleted all of his damned bullshits messages he sent to me, I was just pretty fine. I already forgot about those. Days passed and I'm still alone, no one to be with. Until, I got back here in CLSU and nothing changed, alone. The emotional baggage that I carry got heavier when my close friends moved to a new boarding house, away from me. I was so fucking bored all the time that I don't have anything to do on my bed, I would just watch movies or read or try different looks with my make-up. Well, I should look at the brighter side that i have enough and excessive time for myself. I wanted to repeat those words to myself. I should be used to being alone by now because when I get to work after I graduate, I'm still alone living by myself. It is so ironic right? We work for a living for our family-- to make them happy-- but we can't be with them and how will it be happy if we're not living together? If we're providing service our services to others and not them? We wanted to give them the best but the only thing to accomplish that is to leave them.

Well, lets get back to the thing that I'm saying. I was disturbed by him all the time. And I came to the point that i wanted to ask for advice to the most asshole person that I had in my entire life. I would have thrown my pride and confessed to him everything happened to me. But I just tried and FORTUNATELY, he didn’t reply back. So i have to deal with the ghost of the past all by myself. I displaced my time to things that interest me and my priorities so I wouldn't have the chance to think of him. Everytime I was alone, he used to chase me, everywhere i went, he was always there with me. He was not leaving me until now, and those thoughts made me crave for him for real.

Until today, June 19, 2014, I had the chance to meet ate av again. And showed me their convo,  I was still affected by those fvcking heartbreaking words from him. I was still burning with rage and reversed my feeling for him. I hated him now, and even more than ever,. I knew that everything was all my fault but i don’t think that I could stand still to be with someone who told and thought of you those things, even if some of those are true.

I realized maybe that I really didn’t want him back I just missed being with someone who doesn't leave me. I should not regret anything! Go on and live my life like nothing happened. 

-kdm