Displacement

I felt invicible. I felt like when i disappear in my class, no one would noticed it. I was very pissed off this day.

Napakalungkot ko , hindi ko alam siguro dahil sa mag-isa lang ako at walang kasama. Pero ganian ang buhay, tuturuan ka talagang maging independent, suungin lahat ng mag-isa.

Dahil dyan ay gumamit ako ng displacement.

Tinext ko sya at tinext nia rin ako. Hindi ko alam kung “may something” ba ito pero may kung anong  pagkislot ng mga nerves ko. Another level na kame ngayon, pinarinig niya saken, pinakinggan ko, gumanti ako tas pinatay niya kase iritable ako, tas ako naman  ngayon kase bigla niang tinapos. Kala ko dalawa pa rin kame nun pala ee mag isa ko na lang. Haha. Pero ayun, naenjoy ko naman, nakakaalis ng bugnot at panlinlang sa utak kong litang. Gusto ko na rin ung tawa nameng dalawa, hagalpak na hindi mo mawari kung saan nanggaling. Haha. ano na ba ito? Gulo nanaman ba? Libog na naman ba? Hindi ko alam. Shit!!!

-kdm

PI naman oh!

Pu**** ***! alam mo un. gusto ko ng kasama. wala akong makasama. hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. san ko ibubuhos lahat ng oras ko.. hindi ko alam kung san ako susumpong. oo. alam ko priority ko ang mag aral. kaya lang kahit na yun hindi sapat kailangan ko pa rin ng kasama. no man is an island. tangina. ilang beses ko ng naicpang maglaslas o ano. wala naman din kase kong maraming kaibigan. narealize ko lang. ano ba dapat kong gawin. paramihin. maghanap? auq ng mga kaibigan ko dati. judgmental masiado. choosy pa ko. hay. kailangan ko ng makakasama. wala pa rin talagang pumapalit kay ronniel. hay. 

-kdm

HATE you NOW..

I still don’t know up to now what I really have for him. Before, when i deleted all of his damned bullshits messages he sent to me, I was just pretty fine. I already forgot about those. Days passed and I'm still alone, no one to be with. Until, I got back here in CLSU and nothing changed, alone. The emotional baggage that I carry got heavier when my close friends moved to a new boarding house, away from me. I was so fucking bored all the time that I don't have anything to do on my bed, I would just watch movies or read or try different looks with my make-up. Well, I should look at the brighter side that i have enough and excessive time for myself. I wanted to repeat those words to myself. I should be used to being alone by now because when I get to work after I graduate, I'm still alone living by myself. It is so ironic right? We work for a living for our family-- to make them happy-- but we can't be with them and how will it be happy if we're not living together? If we're providing service our services to others and not them? We wanted to give them the best but the only thing to accomplish that is to leave them.

Well, lets get back to the thing that I'm saying. I was disturbed by him all the time. And I came to the point that i wanted to ask for advice to the most asshole person that I had in my entire life. I would have thrown my pride and confessed to him everything happened to me. But I just tried and FORTUNATELY, he didn’t reply back. So i have to deal with the ghost of the past all by myself. I displaced my time to things that interest me and my priorities so I wouldn't have the chance to think of him. Everytime I was alone, he used to chase me, everywhere i went, he was always there with me. He was not leaving me until now, and those thoughts made me crave for him for real.

Until today, June 19, 2014, I had the chance to meet ate av again. And showed me their convo,  I was still affected by those fvcking heartbreaking words from him. I was still burning with rage and reversed my feeling for him. I hated him now, and even more than ever,. I knew that everything was all my fault but i don’t think that I could stand still to be with someone who told and thought of you those things, even if some of those are true.

I realized maybe that I really didn’t want him back I just missed being with someone who doesn't leave me. I should not regret anything! Go on and live my life like nothing happened. 

-kdm

Father's love is in a harsh way

Pare-parehas ang mababasa sa news feed na "thank you. u r d best tatay.blah.blah.blah".

Lahat naman ng tatay ee "best in their own ways".

I've learned in one of my litt. class that "Father's love is in a harsh way." 

I've been inspired by the kind of love that they give; so from then I gave the same way of love to my special ones. It shows the other way around but when you analyze and look closer, you'll be surprise how much they give almost their life to you in order to provide you the things YOU NEED and YOU WANT!

Let's turn those words into action of expression how much we truly appreaciate and love them. Not just by posting such cliches because it's trending. I'm not against it or bitter about that, I just want to make it more valuable, meaningful and rooting from the heart. Because we don't know when will it be too late for us to make them feel it.

-kdm

Anti-climax

A part of me that i always tend to hang up or hold too long or keep myself from something or someone that i like too much obsessively. i don't want to reach the climax part when that craving is already within my reach. i really don't want. once i reach the climax, of course, it's matic that we'll eventually comes to the falling of action and advances to the equilibrium state of things. There won't be a heart thumping thing anymore. I want my heart to run fast as if it will jump out of my flesh because of the force and pressure. 

-kdm