My Dirty Little Secrets Diffuse Here! (yeah, right here exactly!)

Unfortunately, I lost the passwords of my wordpress and tumblr accounts in my mind so I created a new one. So, this is it. :) I'm really having a hard time remembering those important stuffs. haha. They were always taken for granted because I just let my computer remember them. Well, let me get started. :D

P.S.: This is only our DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS. ok :) Keep your MOUTH SHUT but keep your MIND OPEN :)

-kdm

Displacement

I felt invicible. I felt like when i disappear in my class, no one would noticed it. I was very pissed off this day.

Napakalungkot ko , hindi ko alam siguro dahil sa mag-isa lang ako at walang kasama. Pero ganian ang buhay, tuturuan ka talagang maging independent, suungin lahat ng mag-isa.

Dahil dyan ay gumamit ako ng displacement.

Tinext ko sya at tinext nia rin ako. Hindi ko alam kung “may something” ba ito pero may kung anong  pagkislot ng mga nerves ko. Another level na kame ngayon, pinarinig niya saken, pinakinggan ko, gumanti ako tas pinatay niya kase iritable ako, tas ako naman  ngayon kase bigla niang tinapos. Kala ko dalawa pa rin kame nun pala ee mag isa ko na lang. Haha. Pero ayun, naenjoy ko naman, nakakaalis ng bugnot at panlinlang sa utak kong litang. Gusto ko na rin ung tawa nameng dalawa, hagalpak na hindi mo mawari kung saan nanggaling. Haha. ano na ba ito? Gulo nanaman ba? Libog na naman ba? Hindi ko alam. Shit!!!

-kdm

PI naman oh!

Pu**** ***! alam mo un. gusto ko ng kasama. wala akong makasama. hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. san ko ibubuhos lahat ng oras ko.. hindi ko alam kung san ako susumpong. oo. alam ko priority ko ang mag aral. kaya lang kahit na yun hindi sapat kailangan ko pa rin ng kasama. no man is an island. tangina. ilang beses ko ng naicpang maglaslas o ano. wala naman din kase kong maraming kaibigan. narealize ko lang. ano ba dapat kong gawin. paramihin. maghanap? auq ng mga kaibigan ko dati. judgmental masiado. choosy pa ko. hay. kailangan ko ng makakasama. wala pa rin talagang pumapalit kay ronniel. hay. 

-kdm

HATE you NOW..

I still don’t know up to now what I really have for him. Before, when i deleted all of his damned bullshits messages he sent to me, I was just pretty fine. I already forgot about those. Days passed and I'm still alone, no one to be with. Until, I got back here in CLSU and nothing changed, alone. The emotional baggage that I carry got heavier when my close friends moved to a new boarding house, away from me. I was so fucking bored all the time that I don't have anything to do on my bed, I would just watch movies or read or try different looks with my make-up. Well, I should look at the brighter side that i have enough and excessive time for myself. I wanted to repeat those words to myself. I should be used to being alone by now because when I get to work after I graduate, I'm still alone living by myself. It is so ironic right? We work for a living for our family-- to make them happy-- but we can't be with them and how will it be happy if we're not living together? If we're providing service our services to others and not them? We wanted to give them the best but the only thing to accomplish that is to leave them.

Well, lets get back to the thing that I'm saying. I was disturbed by him all the time. And I came to the point that i wanted to ask for advice to the most asshole person that I had in my entire life. I would have thrown my pride and confessed to him everything happened to me. But I just tried and FORTUNATELY, he didn’t reply back. So i have to deal with the ghost of the past all by myself. I displaced my time to things that interest me and my priorities so I wouldn't have the chance to think of him. Everytime I was alone, he used to chase me, everywhere i went, he was always there with me. He was not leaving me until now, and those thoughts made me crave for him for real.

Until today, June 19, 2014, I had the chance to meet ate av again. And showed me their convo,  I was still affected by those fvcking heartbreaking words from him. I was still burning with rage and reversed my feeling for him. I hated him now, and even more than ever,. I knew that everything was all my fault but i don’t think that I could stand still to be with someone who told and thought of you those things, even if some of those are true.

I realized maybe that I really didn’t want him back I just missed being with someone who doesn't leave me. I should not regret anything! Go on and live my life like nothing happened. 

-kdm

Father's love is in a harsh way

Pare-parehas ang mababasa sa news feed na "thank you. u r d best tatay.blah.blah.blah".

Lahat naman ng tatay ee "best in their own ways".

I've learned in one of my litt. class that "Father's love is in a harsh way." 

I've been inspired by the kind of love that they give; so from then I gave the same way of love to my special ones. It shows the other way around but when you analyze and look closer, you'll be surprise how much they give almost their life to you in order to provide you the things YOU NEED and YOU WANT!

Let's turn those words into action of expression how much we truly appreaciate and love them. Not just by posting such cliches because it's trending. I'm not against it or bitter about that, I just want to make it more valuable, meaningful and rooting from the heart. Because we don't know when will it be too late for us to make them feel it.

-kdm

Anti-climax

A part of me that i always tend to hang up or hold too long or keep myself from something or someone that i like too much obsessively. i don't want to reach the climax part when that craving is already within my reach. i really don't want. once i reach the climax, of course, it's matic that we'll eventually comes to the falling of action and advances to the equilibrium state of things. There won't be a heart thumping thing anymore. I want my heart to run fast as if it will jump out of my flesh because of the force and pressure. 

-kdm

Masakit na kasi talaga.

"Ang pinakamasakit ay yung sobrang sakit na pero wala kang karapatang masaktan."

Ang sakit sakit na! ang bigat bigat na! pero hindi pa rin. wala ka pa rin akong right at privilege na masaktan. Kumbaga sa anak, anak sa labas, sa asawa, kabit,  sa ari-arian, walang papel/lisensya o hindi nakarehistro. Illegitimate o illegal, hindi inohonor sa korte at hindi kinikilala.

Wala akong karapatan na masaktan kase ako ang naggago. Oo. Aminado ko na nagfling ako pero alam ko limits ko. Bored ako. Yung mga lalaki ngang nagloloko sinasabi nila ee “ayos lang, lalake ko ee, ganito talaga ang lalaki. innate na. hindi na maaalis. normal at kasama na sa amen yan”. Pero bakit pag ang babae “malandi, bayaran, puta, makati!”. Ang hard di ba! Ang sakit sakit mapagsabihan ng ganun. Iniintindi ko na lang kase dala na rin ng sobrang galit niya, alangan namang sumabay pa ko at mag-inarte. Nawalan na rin siya ng respeto sa aken, mababa na ang tingin niya. Kala niya pinapakamot ko ang kati ko sa iba, sa mga lalakeng nakita niyang naka-chat ko. Oo. mataas talaga ang sex drive ko. Lahat ng tao naman, hindi lang normal yung saken pero alam ko naman kung ano ang tama o mali at paano alagaan ang sarili ko. Oo, gusto ko pero pinipigilan ko kase iniisip ko siya. kinokontrol ko sarili ko. Pero oo alam ko mali pa rin ako kahit saang anggulo bakit ako nag-entertain. Tang-ina! sadya lang ba talagang mahina ang tolerance ko sa tukso. Lintek naman kase mga lapit ng lapit, ako tuloy ang napalayo sa kanya.

OO. Sobrang sakit na pero kailangang tanggapin lang ng tanggapin ikaw ang may kasalanan. Hindi ka man nakipagsex at nag-entertain ka lang naman ng mga lapit ng lapit ee ganito pa rin ang kalalabasan, hindi na mababago ang tingin ng mga tao  sayo.. So deserve ko lang to. Eto ang karma. Sige lang, saksakin at hampasin mo pa ko sa buong katawan ng magtanda. Hindi ako aaray (promise).

-kdm

NOTE: sinulat ko to nung MAY 26,2014 pa, nung fresh pa ang mga pangyayare. Nadala lang kame ng emosyon namen kaya nasabi namin ang mga nasabi.