I thought it's easy

Hey, im sorry. im too harsh. i know we already ended up. remember. and i just want to have a message for you. i know it hurts, and its too painful.

I thought that i would be more unfair if i would not tell my real feeling. i don't know where i'm holding on, to our memories or to you per se. i didn't feel anything special unless i would look into our pictures and reminisce. i also missed you when i go to places we used to and do the things the we usually do together. just that, im missin' the memories, the moments. sorry, i could not control my feelings, i could not force it to choose. i could only suppressed it. just that

i wanted you to be happy and all the good things  in life may come to you. i know that you would be very much successful someday when you reap all that you planted. you are a very good person, i know and i feel it. its just that when a good person  is mad he becomes a monster. any girl would be lucky to have you, one who would treat her like a princess and his everything. 

please, dont hold on to me. im a career woman, you know that. i would do anything just for what i want, i take everything seriously and im competing as always. hope we'll be friends still. we'll smile at each other when we accidentally meet, no hard feelings.

-kdm

Too Artificial

"You can see more sincere kisses at airports than in weddings, sincere prayers at the hospital than in churches." (c)

I went with my lola and cousins to the church for simbang gabi. I was just bored, and didn't have the initiative to go to mass. I just want to be with them. i don't believed in going to church for mass, it looks so artificial for me. People go there to show that they're pious persons. There are so many rituals, you have to stand up , sit, kneel, sit, stand up, again and again. They said that it is a form of sacrificed, and I respect it but I would not do it. I have my own beliefs and how to hold on it. 

The mass could be sum up only in 5 minutes but it took 1 hour because of the rituals that i know some of the people were not paying too much attention and just doing it because they're there, its not sincere, it's fake. Their acts are not from their heart. I am wrong to judge them like that but i could see it on their actions, yes, i would also be judged because of my actions but hey, you're doing it just for what? At least, i show my true self and inside I have something that I'm holding on.

Another thing is that the priest was announcing those persons who gave donations to the church, for what? for others to know that they're doing religious acts, that they're helping others for God. i just didn't get it. It's just for display/facade; if you really wanted to help sincerely you wouldn't put your name or you would not mention it to anyone to be proud and to brag.

I just believed that I don't have to show and tell to everyone that I have faith on Him. It's just me the only one who would know what's really true or not, between me and Him.

-kdm

Can't get enough

Hey. I'm fucking attached to him! WTF!!! I was sucked down into the quick sand and don't have any idea on how will I rise again. He wasn't even texting me or any sign that he's into me even just a li'l. I should have not done those fucking deeds. i was so stupid! I let him took advantage of me, i should have not gave in too fast! But NO SEX!

OK! I learned my lesson, the very next time, I would be very extra careful.

I should love myself. The key to seduction is the quality of my dignity.

-kdm

Dude.

12/20/2013

I had this fucking escapade with this guy.. let me just call him "dude". We're like having this fvcking (but NO SEX) relationship called "friends with benefits". Technically, we're not friends, we had just met 4 days ago and it was our 3rd meeting. hahaha... I' m not an easy girl but I just don't want to be boring. Moreover, we couldn't call our relationship like "unofficially yours", yes, he has a 3-year gf and i also had this unlabeled relationship longer than his rel.; so we could never be an official couple. However, I feel that he don't want a romantic relationship with me "JUST LOVE".

I think or I feel that I'm falling for him. he's just fucking sexually attracted to me.. just that! LUST! what would i expect more? none, just this horny body. i also know that he still love his gf even they had a quarrel for months besides his mom likes his gf and they're close to each other. He doesn't have also the initiative to court me or what. I was like his mistress when his horny(but no sex allowed). Well, all I can do is to pleasure (pressure) him like no other can do it to him.

I had this eagerness to have my own "Intoy" of Lapit na u. He's so cool even though he's not showy, he loved this girl he's having sex with, Jen. But he doesn't show that to her and in fact its the contrary that he shows that he's cool so Jen would not be confident or would take him for granted.

(back on the story) I love the way he used to pay for all of our expenses, food, lodge, fare, drinks, etc. hahaha.. i want that kind of guy, for me it's a very manly thing, gentleman. Just like "Christian Grey" in 50 shades of grey to Ana, that kind of affair would be the best for me if I would have one. I would willingly accept all his conditions if I would be sure that he would only be mine, ONLY MINE. well, everyone wanted to own his/her loved one. and yes,of course, i do also.

If only he doesn't have his gf and would be serious to me. hay.. how i wish that's the case, but i know it wont happen. i dont want to assume because there's nothing only lust. he just wants my body. he told me, "sexy ka kase ee". The most sincere and flattering compliment that i heard from him was "saan ka bumibili ng damit mo?. . . kase ang ganda mong pumorma..". i was flattered and so overwhelmed. that i have something to show to anyone that i could be proud of with or without him. moreover was when he asked me "nag-ggym ka ba?. . . ang ganda kse ng katawan mo, ang sexy tapos ang liit ng bewang mu at ang laki ng back mu."(revised). at least, i dont have to be ashamed that i was with him cos he's a real hottie!

Our relationship is like a flame in hell, there is this highest peak or the climax when the flame is burning all over, the heat and fire is unstoppable, that is when we had our own shared world. and like flame, it had to be turned into ashes, the fire starts to lose its flame and ashes are just left, memories that would never turn again into flame. it's just our end. only for short time.

After our 1st meting, i told to myself that if he would not pm me via txt or fb, I doesn't catch his attention and i failed but fortunately he did pm me. we had some not so naughty convo and he got my digits.during our 2nd meeting, lantern, he planted a hot kiss on me. so, i responded and we did it for maybe 15 minutes. we were interrupted by a call from a friend hurrying me that the person that i  promised to be with at 10pm was already there waiting for me. I thought i would be dead after 10 minutes. Thankfully, i was not, i just acted. During the preceding time i was not happy, in fact i was just like forcing myself and all i was thinking was this guy the whole time. damn!!! i was already fucking attached and already drowning in hell. our 3rd meeting is another 1st for me. and there all it happened but we didn't have sex. yes, we didn't, i was being easy to  get if i let him. I didn't even show him any sexy part of my body. i was just playing safe.

Dude? why dude? i feel that it is very cool to call a guy dude, its too chill, its like your very close friend, i always wanted to be the princess of my guy friends, to be the apple of their eyes even i don't have a bf, it feels like i don't have to have one.

12/21/13

Early in the morning, i checked first my phone, hoping for his text and i had one from him but i was just disappointed that he didn't text me today. He would not text me if i would not text him first. I told to myself that if he would not willingly text me, our friends with benefits relationship would be over, i have to stop it before i get laid and fuck. I couldn't help myself from expecting a text from him, i missed called him but no response. well, it is already the end. i should never be fucking attach to him so i wont be fool to be fucked.

-kdm 

Dilemma

i have a dilemma.. you know.. this fucking dilemma.. i am captured by this young hottie. We are in the same university, college. we had a great drinking session. i was walking with my 2 other classmates, we stopped to quench our thirst and we found this guy with his group of friends laying under the tree. Then, he noticed us and eventually asked us if we would like to join them at ****. i eavesdropped that this guy was responsible for the drinking session. we went to our bh firsts to fix ourselves and our things planning to shop at san jose after joining the group. Then we went there, and at firsts it is a bit awkward for we don't know each other but eventually we fit in. it's nice knowing them, and we also found out that they get a lil annoyed or have this impression that we are "mataray and suplada". after a few glass of mp lights, i felt its power running in my body and felt dizzy,. and i asked this guy where i could comfort myself and he told me that there inside the *********** but i still didn't know exactly where. so he went with me but not inside. of course, hahahaha... and i told him to stay there and wait for me, at that very moment is our first intimate innocent shared touches (not sexually). then, we got closer from each other and i was holding him already on his arms, and lay my head there. he's gentleman but i could feel that he has this man nature (maniac factor). he touched me and i didn't mind it and moved away; but i liked it when he's holding my hands. he did it two or three times. it's their innate nature but i learned that he would not love or court me not just because of purely "love" but more of lust.. i think i love him already because im attracted sexually to him. i know that we have mutual feeling. when i rubbed his hands with my thumb, a form of displacement, he responded also likewise. i was like.. ohh. he knows body lang. that he is an expert when he comes to it. . i know that he was aroused and he's only sexually attracted to me.. we shared some chit chats. blah blah blah.. i know that he would not love me back that this attraction would fade away but everytime that i would see him, i would feel the same attraction.i want to own him, his lips his touch,his body, but i know that he doesn't like me as an innocent and pure one.. omg. i tell to myself that if he would not text me or pm me, until tomorrow 11 59. it only means that he is not interested, and he would not love me back.i have to accept it.. i should supressed everything.

-kdm